The Jockey's at Every Race Course

The jockey's at ev'ry race course
His mission's to sit on a horse
If you've gotten a tip
The horse is sure to slip
And you end with a case of remorse

The Poker Cut Up - Vintage Limerick Postcard

His dough made him feel like a cut up,

Tho' he stalled as a thought lit his nut up

Said he'd bet 'twas a cinch,

The whole works would be pinched,

But they told him to put up or shut up

He Longed to See Shepherd's Bush Expedition - A Limerick

There was a young man of position
Longed to see Shepherd's Bush Exhibition
So he went there one day
But I'm sorry to say
He returned in this funny condition.

A Lodger Whose Rent Was Unpaid - A Limerick Postcard

A lodger whose rent was unpaid
Of his landlady was much afraid
With the gravest of airs
He descended the stairs
But his further progress was delayed.

The Old Maid (Not Politically Correct) A Limerick

She's caught a poor cat and a bird
But she can't snare a man, so we've heard
It's the old maid's sad fate
To lose out on a mate
And take tea - but ssh! not a word.

A Young Lady Whose Name, It Was Simons

A young lady whose name, it was Simons,

Was exceedingly fond of white diamonds,

Said, "It's lovely to marry

A man like you Harry,

Who knows how to pick out the fine ones."

A Young Man Named Bill - Limerick Postcard

There was a young man named Bill
Who drank till he made himself ill
When a policeman asked why
He said with a sigh
It's (hic) dreadful how quickly I fill!

Vintage Thanksgiving Postcard Limerick - Dark Clouds

Dark clouds may overcast the Sun
The day be dark and murky
But you will find
If not too blind
Sunshine around each Turkey

Thanksgiving Turkey Limericks - Around The World

Turkey, Greece and Hungary
Are all upon the map
First is King
The second, Queen
And I'm the hungry chap

There Was A Young Man Of Bulgaria - Vintage Limerick Postcard

There was a young man of Bulgaria,

Who kicked his old boots down an area,

Said Mary to cook,

"Lawks 'a mercy! just look,

If it ain't raining shoes - there's a pair 'ere!"

There Was A Young Man Named Love - A Postcard Limerick

There was a young man named Love,

As sweet in his way as a Dove,

One morning he saw,

When he came to the door,

That Glory was sent from above!

Mouse in Stew Limerick

A man who was dining at Crewe,

Found quite a large mouse in his stew,

Said the waiter, "Don't shout!

And wave it about,

Or the rest will be wanting one too."

Vintage Halloween Night Limerick Postcard

If your conduct is proper and right
Then the spooks upon Hallowe'en Night
Should they happen to call
Will not harm you at all
And the witches will quickly take flight

Prairie Home Companion Beer Limericks

There was a young man who loved Schlitz
Which he drank in his room at the Ritz
With pate (very rich)
And olives from which
His servants had cut out the pits.

There was a young man who loved Pabst
He drank it until he collapsed
He gave up beer
For Lent every year
And on Easter morning, relapsed.

There was a young man who loved Millers
More than all other painkillers
He drank secretly
In a dark shadowy
Doorway hidden by pillars.

There was a young man who loved Blatz
He drank it straight out of the vats
Along with a platter
Of vegetable matter
And another of animal fats.

At A Halloween Party A Ghost

At a Halloween party a ghost
As he walked arm-in-arm with the host
Said: "Unseen to play tricks,
And with people to micks,
Is the thing that amuses me most!"

Good Beer Always Tickled Joe Plank - A Drinking Limerick

Good beer always tickled Joe Plank,

One evening two gallons he drank,

Then a stranger nearby,

Remarked with a sigh,

Great Scott! That's no man - that's a tank!

A Tutor Who Tooted The Flute - A Limerick

A tutor who tooted the flute,

Was teaching two tooters to toot,

Said the two to the tutor,

"Is it harder to toot, or

To tutor two tooters to toot?"

A Halloween Limerick - Said A Bat To An Owl In An Oak

Said a Bat to an Owl in an oak-

"This Halloween Night is a joak!"

And that wise-looking bird

Replied: "Yes, it's absird,

I was thinking so when I awoak."

Cried A Witch To Her Cat - We Must Go

Cried a witch to her cat - We must go
And visit these people belo
Who say that they doubt us
Yet can't do without us
They're the most inconsistent I kno

Limerick - A Nursemaid Named Lottie

There once was a nursemaid named Lottie
Who on Soldiers and Sailors was potty
Now she's quite in a stew
Between Kahki and Bule
And the problem is driving her dotty!

A Father Stork Limerick

Said Father Stork wisely one day,
Our stock in trade's getting passe,
For kids no one cares,
They all want Teddy Bears,
So I'll order some in right away.

Black Waiter Limerick

There was an old Colonel named Gamel,
Who called to the waiter, "Hey Sam'l!
I've not had a drink,
For ten minutes I think -
By gad! You must think I'm a camel."

There Once Was A Girl From St. Paul

There once was a girl from St. Paul,
Who went to a newspaper ball,
Her dress caught on fire,
And exposed her entire
Front page, sports section, and all.

A Fisher Whose Last Name Was Fisher

A fisher whose last name was Fisher,
Went fishing for fish in a fissure,
'Tis sad, but 'tis true,
He slipped and fell through,
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher!

By Superfuous Underwear Docking - Vintage Limerick Postcard

By superfluous Underwear docking,
The Ladies, the Public are shocking,
For the Directoire Dress,
shows (we're bound to confess)
Even more of the FORM than the Stocking.

Young Damsel Named Rose

There was a young damsel named Rose,

Who economised - especially in clothes,

The Ladies said, "Shocking!"

To see so much stocking,

But the Men merely murmured, "WHAT HOSE!"

Lovers' Lane

There was a Young Lady named Jane,

Who wished to explore Lovers' Lane,

Her Young Man agreed-

With remarkable speed-

Now they go there again and again!

There Once Was A Giddy Young Scot

There once was a giddy young Scot,

A mania for swinging he'd got,

He swung up so high,

His feet to the sky,

That he gave all the Lassies a shock

FOL-THE-ROL-LOL

Mac Duff met a girl at Nuneaton,

Her figure had plenty of meat on!

She said: 'marry me, Mac,

And you'll find that my back

Is a nice place to warm your cold feet on!'

Thanksgiving Limerick

The cost of good living is greater,

Said a gentleman out in Decatur,

When Thanksgiving came round,

On inquiry I found,

He had dined on string beans and potater.

There Was A Young Lady Called Gwen

There was a young lady called Gwen,

Who was fearfully attracted to men,

She used to get frisky,

On pink gin and whisky,

And ALWAYS forgot to say "When!"

A Soldier Named Copps

A gallant young soldier named Copps,

Was told by a maiden named Stopps,

Your uniform's neat,

Your kisses are sweet,

But your breath smells a trifle like hops!



Hotel Porters

A man came to town with his son,

Who to carry their bag had begun,

When two porters of size,

Rushed & grabbed at the prize,

And fighting they pulled it undone.

An Ass of an Actor

An actor, who thought he could act,

Did his best applause to attract,

"My art's ripe!" He cried,

But the people replied,

"It's rotten!" And it was, for a fact.

A Latin Named Mando Romero

A Latin named Mando Romero,

had a girl who liked Arrow's Sombrero,

The day he changed brands,

she threw up her hands

and swore up and down, "no comparo."

Automobiling Limerick Postcard

 

If you never have been automobiling,

And wish to acquire the real feeling,

Jump off a high cliff,

Which will give you a whiff,

With the after effects while your're healing

Maude - Limerick Postcard

There once was a lady named Maude,

Whose dressmakers' bills were ignored,

Till her husband dumbfounded,

Was simply surrounded,

With bills that he could not afford.

Flappers

Half an inch, half an inch, half an inch shorter,

The skirts are the same for mother and daughter,

When the wind blows,

Each of them shows,

Half an inch more than they oughter.

There Was A Young Lady Named Perkins

There was a young lady named Perkins,

Who had a great fondness for gherkins,

She ate such large numbers

Of unripe cucumbers,

It pickled her internal workin's!

The Ohio State Buckeyes Football Limerick

The football season is near,

It's always pleasin' to hear,

The roar of the crowd,

Our band, we're so proud,

The Bucks, they have reason to cheer!

A Wonderful Bird Is The Pelican

A wonderful bird is the pelican,

His mouth will hold more than his belican,

He can hold in his beak,

Enough for a week---

I can't understand how the helican.

The Elders - Dayton Celtic Festival

If it's arse kickin' music you need,

Your unending hunger to feed,

No longer be waitin'

Get over to Dayton,

You must see The Elders, indeed!

Mac Whistle

Said a lassie, whose name was Mac Whistle,
To her laddie "Now sit by this thistle"
Said he " I was ne'er built
To sit down in a kilt!
So I'll stand just a wee while and whistle".

A Man Named Bill

There was a young man named Bill,

Who drank till he made himself ill,

When a policeman asked why,

He said with a sigh,

It's (hic) dreadful how quickly I fill!

Happy St. Patrick's Day

No Irish heart will ever part,

For memories ever new,

When the dear old hat, shillalah & pipe,

Come from the land where the Shamrock grew.

Young Man Called M'Kie

There was a young man called M'Kie

Who to master the bagpipes did try,

But the neighbors resented,

The music he vented,

And he sleeps in the kirkyard close by.

A Young Scottie Named Sandy

There was a young Scottie named Sandy,

Who went to a pub for a shandy,

He lifted his kilt,

To see what he spilt,

And the barmaid said - blimey - that's handy!

Baby Ruth Candy Bar Limerick

A kangaroo mother and son,

Can go merrily jumping as one,

They're off to the store,

For a treat they adore,

Baby Ruth adds so much to the fun.

There once was a fellow named Russell
Who went around wearing a bustle.
When folks turned to stare,
They saw it down there,
And thought it was really his muscle.

The Poet

Adorned with his long, flowing hair,

And fond of Byronic neckwear,

He's very aesthetic

And, oh! so poetic,

But he never can put up the fare.